If you write poems as well as read them, you end up with two lists of favourites poems. I've got a list of other people's poems that I really admire. I call them the poems I wish I'd written myself, although it's very naughty to covet other poet's poems and naughtier still to steal their ideas. I've got a second list of the favourites among the 100 odd (some very odd) poems I've written myself. In this case, I'm going to begin with two poems I really love and covet by Paul Curtis and Max Scratchmann, my co-conspirators at Funny Poems for Kids.
Two Poems I Wish I'd WrittenTo add a bit of spice, I've chosen poems which haven't yet appeared on the FP4K website. The first poem I've picked is a gloriously silly confection by Paul Curtis, titled A Game of Arra's. It's about darts - not a game children are encouraged to play - but all you really need to know to enjoy the poem is that before a fun game of darts the players throw a single dart and the one who is closest to the bull (the bulls eye in the centre of the dart board) gets to throw first.
Next, we have a nonsense poem by Max Scratchmann called The Death of Mr Car Polish. Nonsense poems are deliberately silly and this poem is no exception. I love it both for the strange obsession that Mr Car Polish has for his Ford Fiesta and the bizarre manner of his death.
Me and some friends
Fancied a game of darts
I said, “Nearest the bull
To see who starts”
Johnny went “Woof”
And I went “Baah”
Then Danny went “Moo”
He was the closest by far
The Death of Mr Car Polish
Mr Car Polish stood shining up his Ford Fiesta in the rain,
Braces neatly placed over lilac nylon shirt,
His auto hand-held polishing machine
Over the immaculate red of his Ford,
Old Henry’s original quote turned on it’s head,
You can have any colour as long as it’s red.
The rain spattered down on the gleaming Turtle Wax,
Bouncing off and hitting the pavement in loud splashes,
But Mr Car Polish just polished on and on,
Making that wet Fiesta shine in the afternoon sunlight,
A rainbow shimmering on the gleaming chrome
As he proudly puts his darling to bed in the garage,
Tucking a tarpaulin around her and whispering bed-bug rhymes in her ear,
Mr Car Polish went home to have his tea
And was killed stone dead
When a plaster duck fell from the wall and hit him on the head.
And One I Wished I Hadn't
The final poem is a new one of my own that I wrote last month. It's short (I love short poems), funny (at least I think it is, although I'm never sure until other people have read it) and heretical. It's based on a biblical story and making fun of people's religious beliefs can get you into a lot of trouble, which is why I'm slightly regretting having written it and may regret even more sharing it with you. Well, here goes...
D & G is also an example of an onomatopoeia poem, which is one of my favourite types of poetry. And my all time favourite onomatopoeia poems is Max's The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets' Nest, a poem which contains just 13 words, but 16 exclamation marks!!!
D & G
David was a hot shot
With a sling shot
Goliath was not